


Hold Me to My Silence

by Cydersyrup



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Angst, Blood, Cutting, Friendship/Love, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mild Gore, Sad Ending, Sad bois, Self-Harm, Suicide, i'm not gonna sugarcoat it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:22:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23628388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cydersyrup/pseuds/Cydersyrup
Summary: It truly is something else, witnessing the death of your best friend.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung
Comments: 8
Kudos: 79





	Hold Me to My Silence

**Author's Note:**

> I've been suffering a ton of sad boi hours lately and as a result, this was born at 1 AM from insomnia and the same song on loop for 2 hours.  
> TW: Explicitly mentions suicide, self-harm, cutting, and blood. You've been warned.
> 
> Without further ado, hope you enjoy!

It truly is something else, witnessing the death of your best friend.

To any normal person, the default reaction to seeing their best friend drugged up and bleeding out on their bed would be panic. Any normal person would rush them to the hospital or call an ambulance or at least try to stop the bleeding.

Any normal person would try to save their friend’s life.

Jaehyun isn’t a normal person.

He sees Doyoung’s motionless body lying on the bed. He sees the empty bottle of sleeping pills on the nightstand. He sees the large patches of red under Doyoung’s arms and legs and the messy slits all over his exposed flesh.

And the only thing Jaehyun feels is sad. 

“Hey.” He walks over by Doyoung’s side and gently sits down on the bed next to him. The sheets are damp and sticky with blood, and the metallic scent hangs heavy in the air he breathes, but Jaehyun scoots closer anyways, until Doyoung’s head is resting comfortably in his lap.

There’s a wide, loopy smile on Doyoung’s face as he stares up at Jaehyun. “Hey yourself,” he drawls.

Jaehyun runs his fingers mindlessly through Doyoung’s sleek black hair. “Do you have a death wish?”

“If I say yes, will you take that knife on my nightstand and put me out of my misery?”

Jaehyun turns to look at the knife in question. It’s a blue boxcutter—the same one they used to carve props for Taeyong’s birthday party last month. The blade is extended and stained with blood and tiny bits of flesh. The handle is streaked with red fingerprints.

“I think I’ll pass,” Jaehyun murmurs, continuing his stroking of Doyoung’s hair. He wonders how long Doyoung has planned this, how long he’s wanted to leave the world behind and go someplace better. The boxcutter had been a gift from Mark when Doyoung needed it for a project earlier this year. However, the sleeping pills are not his, Jaehyun is sure. Doyoung always sleeps like the dead.

Jaehyun takes a deep breath to calm himself. There’s absolutely no use freaking out and making a scene now. Doyoung doesn’t need his worry or an intervention. He just needs Jaehyun to be here. And Jaehyun is nothing if not a good friend, so he sits and holds Doyoung’s face gently, tracing the outline of his delicate cheekbones and porcelain skin.

“I guess today’s the day we say goodbye,” Jaehyun says softly. His heart is breaking inside his chest, the shards cutting away at his insides as the gravity of the situation sinks in deeper and deeper. “I’m gonna miss you, Doyoung. I’m gonna miss you so much.”

Doyoung’s smile is soft around the edges and he feebly shifts his position so that more of his torso rests on Jaehyun’s lap. “Thanks for not trying to stop me, Jaehyunnie. You’re the only one who understands.”

“It’s because I love you,” Jaehyun whispers, feeling his voice crack as a sob threatens to escape him. He gently runs his hand over Doyoung’s jaw to his neck, feeling the weak pulse and knowing, just knowing, that their time is running out.

“I love you, Doyoung. I love you enough to let you go. I don’t want you to hurt anymore.” Jaehyun means it. This boy lying in his lap, halfway between living and dying, is the greatest gift he could have ever asked for in life. On so many occasions, Doyoung has saved Jaehyun from his inner demons, and in the end, fell prey to the ones lurking inside himself. Jaehyun knows about this. He’s tried to do something about it, but Doyoung is much better at pretending to be okay than Jaehyun is.

For how long he’s had everyone fooled, Jaehyun has no idea. All he knows is that he is among the many who fell for the lies and blinding smiles. But deep down, he’s always known that there’s something not quite right. That Doyoung is slowly breaking apart, piece by piece.

“You know,” Doyoung rasps, licking his dry lips. “Life really sucks when you’re living it walking on eggshells, always not feeling enough, being scorned for all the years you lived.”

“I know.” Jaehyun cups Doyoung’s cheeks with both hands—the only hug he can give him now. “You were in so much pain. I’m sorry, I’m really sorry I couldn’t do more to help you.”

Doyoung reaches up, placing his hand over Jaehyun’s. He’s struggling to keep his eyes open, the long lashes fluttering over the warm brown orbs as he stares up into Jaehyun’s face.

“You cared for me, Jaehyunnie. That’s all I needed.” Doyoung pauses and drops his hand, leaving a wet, red smudge on Jaehyun’s skin. “Sorry I’m being selfish.”

“Don’t be sorry.” Jaehyun’s voice wavers as tears well in his eyes. “Don’t say that about yourself.”

“I’ll be leaving you alone.”

“No.” Tears roll down Jaehyun’s face as he leans down to press a tender kiss to Doyoung’s forehead. “Don’t worry about me.”

Doyoung smiles, languid and sleepy. “Then do me a favor, yeah?”

“Anything.”

Doyoung weakly pushes himself into a sitting position, and crawls into Jaehyun’s lap. He folds his bloody limbs in towards his body in a fetal position, and rests his head against Jaehyun’s shoulder. The solid weight in his lap is a comforting anchor, and Jaehyun wraps his arms around the boy he loves the most, pressing kiss after kiss over Doyoung’s pale face.

“Hold me?” Doyoung whispers, craning his head up ever so slightly to meet Jaehyun’s lips with his own. “Hold me ‘til I fall asleep.”

Jaehyun nods. What else can he do? If Doyoung asks him to stay with him in this very room for eternity, he would do it. In fact, there’s very little in the world that Jaehyun wouldn’t do for Doyoung, dying or not. 

The window is open, and a light breeze tickles the hairs on the back of Jaehyun’s neck as he gathers Doyoung’s thin frame in his arms. Doyoung smiles, snuggles closer into the warmth of his best friend’s embrace, and closes his eyes.

“Goodnight, Doyoung.” Jaehyun presses a kiss to the top of Doyoung’s head and holds him closer. His shirt and jeans slowly grow warm with blood, and Jaehyun finds that he really doesn’t care. All he cares about is the boy in his arms, beautiful and precious, a bright light in his life that’s slowly flickering and fading away.

Jaehyun doesn’t know how long he stays like that—sitting in their shared room, holding his best friend and only love of his life in his arms, under the weight of dead silence. The tears turn cold and dry on his cheeks, and the wetness of his clothes harden into an uncomfortable stiffness. The darkness of the room slowly becomes illuminated by the gentle glow of daylight, and still Jaehyun doesn’t let go.

Doyoung is asleep, laying still and silent in his arms, looking more peaceful than Jaehyun has ever seen him awake. There’s no more tears to shed, and all that escapes from Jaehyun are soft, broken sounds as he embraces Doyoung with all the love he has.

At some point in the night, Doyoung has left Jaehyun to go to a better place. And now, sitting in broad daylight with an angel in his arms, Jaehyun feels a part of himself die with him.

**Author's Note:**

> What is wrong with me (T^T)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/Cydersyrup)  
> [twt](https://twitter.com/Cydersyrup)


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